Can a man defer mahr until wife gives him respect, obedience, intimacy?

No.

So the norm, and we find this in the marriage of Ali to Fatima, radi Allahu anhuma, that Ali proposed for Fatima's hand.

And the prophet alayhi salatu wa salaam agreed.

The prophet alayhi salatu wa salaam did not allow Fatima to move in with Ali until he paid the mahr.

And because of this, some scholars have said that paying the mahr and having the ability to exemplify one's ability to pay it.

Is expected of the spouse before there is a marital life.

So the respect and the obedience is something which is expected when you're living as a family.

Intimacy is something which is expected when you're living as husband and wife.

But you cannot say, unless you do this, I will not pay you your mahr.

No, the mahr is a right that is due at the time of marriage and continues to be a debt owed to her, not something which is only given based upon additional stipulations that you had mentioned.